NIGHT ONE

The inaugural NBA HORSE Challenge aired on Sunday night and featured basketball stars from the past and present battling in the age old game. The ESPN event surprisingly piqued my interest and maintained it through its 2 hour runtime as I contemplated both the positive and negative aspects of the program. The following is a brief outline of my thoughts as I watched the first semblance of sports in over a month.

• Trae Young’s Hoop

Listen, I have no right to say what people should and shouldn’t spend money on. But it's not unreasonable to assume that a professional basketball player would have higher quality equipment from the sport that they play. Honestly, I’ve seen better rims outside auto repair shops for employees on a slow day. It's no wonder that the first year All Star lost to 43 year old Chauncey Billups in decisive fashion.

• Mike Conley’s Performance Enhancing Gym

The second match of the night pitted Mike Conley in his personal indoor gym with air conditioning and hardwood floors against WNBA Hall of Famer Tamika Catchings who competed outside her house in windy and cold conditions. As ridiculous as it seems to legitimately analyze the 240p product meant for charity, this match should never have taken place. Nearly every shot Catchings attempted was noticeably affected by the wind and she was seen desperately trying to warm her hands while speaking to host Mark Jones. Meanwhile, Conley dominated the contest, seemingly without breaking a sweat. This isn’t a criticism of Conley in the slightest, who strategically utilized his off hand to win. However, at the very least the Ohio State alum should have been forced to shoot outside or in some less luxurious location. Just to be clear, good for Mike Conley for using his career earnings to build himself a personal court. I’m sure any fellow basketball fans would do the same if Chris Wallace gave us a franchise-crippling contract that somehow wasn’t his worst signing as GM. All Grizzlies front office jokes aside, Conley’s performance was impressive. Basketball Beeswax recommends putting any and all savings on Conley winning the tournament. Thank us later.

• Zach LaVine Carries Yet Another NBA Special

As the first month without sports passes by, the NBA remains the only league to attempt to air some sort of programming during the hiatus. To that point, Zach LaVine remains the only player besides Patrick Beverley to attempt to show some sort of personality in the 2K Tournament or the NBA HORSE Challenge. Not to be overly antagonistic, but the 2K Tournament was awful. While I still sat down and soaked up every second of it like the junkie that I am, it was objectively bad. The few bright spots of the entire event came exclusively through Patrick Beverley and Zach LaVine. As Beverley continued his schtick akin to a pro wrestling heel, LaVine shocked viewers by doing something no other player did. He talked! Rejoice! That may sound strange to some, but the informed reader who endured the disaster that was Kevin Durant vs Derrick Jones Jr. will fully understand the power of simply making conversation with your opponent. LaVine was far and away the most riveting character in both events, going as far as to bend HORSE rules to beat 42-year-old Paul Pierce. LaVine’s innovative technique of throwing the ball in the basket without touching the rim and in turn making the shot not a dunk was a massive breakthrough in the evolution of HORSE as a game. If anyone is actually reading this and feels the need to call me out on my previous statement, be aware that this is currently being written at 4 in the morning by a sleep-deprived teenager running on nothing but his unbridled enthusiasm of potentially becoming a writer.

• Can Allie Quigley Miss A Shot?

WNBA sharpshooter Allie Quigley stunned the 26 people that watched the NBA HORSE Challenge by beating Chris Paul in the last match of night one. As the proud 27th viewer of the NBA HORSE Challenge, I keenly noticed shades of Khris Middleton in Quigley’s smooth driveway jumper. Quigley’s efficient form and understanding of her environment led to her victory over Paul, who became fixated on making a shot from behind the backboard. Paul became basketball’s Captain Ahab in his seemingly obsessive quest to make the shot. He didn’t, and he lost because of it.

If you’ve actually made it this far despite the constant run-on sentences longer than Bill Russell’s championship streak, I commend you. This article has more commas than the number on James Dolan’s monthly checks. Full disclosure, the decision to click away now or at any point during the article would be totally understood. However, I promise to you that the best is yet to come.